My grandmother on my dad’s side was a farm woman who also traveled quite a bit. My childhood during the 50’s and 60’s was peppered with witty and earthy remarks regarding various situations. Below are samples of these on the left with her frequent comments on the right. Included are a few rogue items from Dad and from me.
| Context | Comment |
|---|---|
| On hearing bad music | My God, I could fart a better tune than that. |
| Clumsy | About as graceful as a hog on ice. |
| Holding something slippery | Like trying to hold a fart in a mitten. |
| On hearing opera in my basement radio | My God, Michael, what's that woman screaming about? |
| My father standing behind me when I was 10 watching Howdy Doody | If you're still watching that when you're 12, I'll have you committed. |
| After "breaking wind" | You can't hold what you don't have in your hands |
| On having a baby | Like s**ting a pumpkin. |
| Stupid person 1 | Dumber than Baalam's ass |
| Stupid person 2 | Doesn't know enough to pee a round hole in the snow. |
| Performing some inorganic split, particularly of the legs | Don't strain your runnet. |
| Finding humor in high diction | Oh, that's very ass TOOT. |
| A process that is both efficient and fast: | Slick as a muslin fart. |
| About a person lacking common sense: | He doesn't have enough sense to pound sand in a rat hole. |
| On listen to or watching someone performing an action in a showy way: | My, he gets right there. |
| Befouled, as in it's all befouled, except Grandma substituted the following . . . | Be-shit |
| Wishing: | Shit in one and and wish in the other. See which gets full first. |
| from Mike: | If I could stop smoking I could afford to buy cigarettes. |
| Bad music | My God, I could fart a better tune than that. |
| On hearing bad music | My God, I could fart a better tune than that. |
| Clumsy | About as graceful as a hog on ice. |
| Holding something slippery | Like trying to hold a fart in a mitten. |
| On hearing opera in my basement radio | My God, Michael, what's that woman screaming about? |
| My father standing behind me when I was 10 watching Howdy Doody | If you're still watching that when you're 12, I'll have you committed. |
| On having a baby | Like shitting a pumpkin. |
| Humorous assessment of momentary cleverness (fromDad) | You're as sharp as a New Orleans meatball. |
| A 50's approval comment | That's real George. |
| Additional impetus | That makes the cheese more binding |
